I have finally added my online boutique to Kamama Photography: Studio & Boutique. I am super excited! In the first week, I have already had 5 orders! I know that doesn't seem like a lot to you, perhaps, but it's a huge accomplishment for me!
I am not running this online store simply to make money. I am using my talents and products to help increase awareness of Fibromyalgia. A portion of every profit made in the boutique will be donated into Fibromyalgia Research and Awareness efforts.
Fibromyalgia is a chronic condition characterized by pain, body and muscle aches, skin tenderness, sleep problems, severe fatigue, and anxiety – among many other symptoms. There are simply too many to list here. This disease attacks 3 to 6 million Americans, according the American College of Rheumatology. However, there are simply not enough doctors who know what Fibromyalgia is or how to effectively treat the symptoms. Outside of the medical community is a general public that has no idea what a Fibro patient lives with. Unfortunately, that can lead to uninformed commentary that can be very hurtful.
Kamama's Boutique is being hosted online by eCrater. I have my store up and running now and am adding new inventory every day! Please let me know if you have any questions that I can help you with.
Click to visit Kamama's Boutique!
Peace, Love, and Blessings,
Stacey
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Kamama's Boutique
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Psalms 86
My Dad showed this to me a yesterday. He found it when he was searching for prayers to help guide him and comfort him when I was taken to the hospital. He stayed home and kept my son, Levi (16 months) and was quite frightened.
My Dad is a recovered alcoholic. He has always has a deep rooted faith, but he was never the one that sat and taught us the Bible. Instead, he was a hard working man who simply spent his time being God's faithful follower and witnessing by doing and trying to be a good man ... but the Devil had him on an Alcohol Leash, per say.
Praise God, he was able to break that leash a few years ago. He had to have a knee replacement and when he went in for the surgery, he was diagnosed with diabetes. His doctors told him flat out - "If you continue to drink alcohol, you will kill yourself." Dad was adequately shaken, seeing as his mother died in a diabetic coma. He stopped drinking that day and hasn't had alcohol since then.
Now, Dad finds solace and encouragement where he should: In God's word. He has become an avid reader and now you don't see Dad without either a novel or his Bible in his hands. It is an amazing, glorious sight, especially since he spends so much time with Levi. I know that they are both growing together - each in their own way!
Anyways, lol, the point of this post was to share this Psalm with ya'll. I know many of us have already seen it at some point, but it is really special and I think it will speak to a lot of you. May God's words be a blessing unto you today.
Peace, Love, and Blessings,
Stacey
Chapter 86
- 1
- A prayer of David. 1 Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and oppressed.
- 2
- Preserve my life, for I am loyal; save your servant who trusts in you.
- 3
- You are my God; pity me, Lord; to you I call all the day.
- 4
- Gladden the soul of your servant; to you, Lord, I lift up my soul.
- 5
- Lord, you are kind and forgiving, most loving to all who call on you.
- 6
- LORD, hear my prayer; listen to my cry for help.
- 7
- In this time of trouble I call, for you will answer me.
- 8
- None among the gods can equal you, O Lord; nor can their deeds compare to yours.
- 9
- All the nations you have made shall come to bow before you, Lord, and give honor to your name.
- 10
- For you are great and do wondrous deeds; and you alone are God.
- 11
- Teach me, LORD, your way that I may walk in your truth, single-hearted and revering your name.
- 12
- I will praise you with all my heart, glorify your name forever, Lord my God.
- 13
- Your love for me is great; you have rescued me from the depths of Sheol.
- 14
- O God, the arrogant have risen against me; a ruthless band has sought my life; to you they pay no heed.
- 15
- But you, Lord, are a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger, most loving and true.
- 16
- Turn to me, have pity on me; give your strength to your servant; save this child of your handmaid.
- 17
- Give me a sign of your favor: make my enemies see, to their confusion, that you, LORD, help and comfort me.
Philippians 4:13
Chaos and Medications
**Posted In My Fibro Sisters Support Group, as well.**
Hi everyone. Sorry that this is gonna be long...
My family has been passing around a horrible stomach flu for two weeks now. A friend visited from Colorado and we think he brought it into the house. Levi, my baby, had it first: Horrid diarrhea and fever. We kept him hydrated and tried to keep him comfortable. After about 3-4 days, he was fine.
Then Steven, the husband, got the same thing. He was sooooo sick for about 8 days. He didn't even make it to work and that is not normal for him at all. Even when he is sick, he keeps at it and goes to work - always - but not this time. He was home from work for the entire week. He wasn't even able to sit up in the bed for more than a few minutes. He was either in the bathroom or asleep. Finally, he got better and went back to work.
I started getting sick with this mess on Thursday of last week. I was so sick. I had the same things except that I had the extra bonus of vomiting. I couldn't even take a small sip of water without being sick. By the time Monday rolled around, I was a mess. I hadn't been able to even take in fluids in 4 days. I was freezing and running a high fever. Then I started having a horrible pain centralized in my upper stomach area. It hurt soooo much.
Well, Monday, Mom and Dad took Levi with them to an appointment because I was in no shape to watch over my own son, which I have to say is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. By the time they got home, I was delirious, literally. Mom came into my room and found me with my eyes rolling back in my head, vomiting, and talking nonsense. I do remember telling Mom that I was scared and to please help me. She tried to calm me down, but I was serious and we had to call 911.
I was taken to the ER very quickly and put on oxygen. The wait was horrible. There were so many people there with the same mess. It was so crowded. I never even got put into a room. Instead, I was put on a gurney in the hall and that is where I received my treatments. There was a huge concern because of the fact that I take a lot of daily meds that I hadn't been able to keep in my system in 4 days: Prozac, Oxycontin, Neurontin, Tramadol, Percocet, a couple of blood pressure meds. Point is, my body was likely in withdrawal on top of the distress of the flu, dehydration, severe pain, and fever. My body was very messed up.
I was finally put on an IV with fluids being pumped into my body since I was dehydrated. I was given Zofran and Morphine first, which did nothing for either the nausea or the pain. A bit later I was given Dicotid (?) and Compazine. Those finally helped enough to make me coherent to talk to the doctor. I was given a "G.I. Cocktail" then: Immodium, Lidocaine, Maalox, etc., all mixed together in a little cup that tasted horrible! Finally, I had relief. Finally. After 9 hours at the hospital, I was able to go home with a prescription for suppositories and instructions on following up, etc.
It was truly a horrible experience. I was so incredibly scared. I honestly thought that I was going to die. I know that sounds really dramatic, but I am not exaggerating.
I guess I am writing this all to ask for prayer, as they are always appreciated. I want to feel better - 100%. I am so weak and shaky now. I am trying to keep on a liquid diet and hydrated. I can't even pick up Levi right now because of the weakness. The stomach distress is no fun at all. Also, I fear giving it BACK to Levi ... or giving it to one of my parents, of whom we have only recently got one home from his latest stay in the hospital!!
But also, I really needed to talk to this to people who would understand. I felt SO... .JUDGED... by the nurse who came to talk to me first. She asked my medications and I, barely conscious, am trying to list them off to her. Well, when I mentioned the pain meds, her whole facial expression changed and I saw that look that made me feel embarrassed and, I guess the right word would be Ashamed! She said "Oh you are on Oxycontin and Percocets. Why? Where do you get them from? Are they prescribed? Why do you take them?" and she said it in a very accusing way that only made me feel worse and worse.
I know that a lot of people abuse the medications that we, as a whole, as prescribed with hopes of getting some sort of relief. The saddest part, for me, is that I don't really get a lot of relief. I take these meds that people want recreationally and they don't even touch the pain that I am in on a daily basis!! I have good days and bad... sometimes the meds work and sometimes they don't... sometimes they simply take the edge off so I can at LEAST walk to the bathroom without being carried. I know how people abuse these medications.... And a lot of people do.
But does that make it ok for the nurse to make an assumption? I don't think so. Of course, at the time, I was so sick that I wasn't about to take her to school, but it did really bother me. I have heard from other Fibro Sisters who have been accused of "seeking" medications to get a better "fix". I have sat in front of doctors who have said to me, "Fibromyalgia doesn't exist. Take a higher dose of Prozac and deal with it. You aren't getting your happy pills from me."
I know that things like this happen all the time and that makes me sick. Has anything like this happened to you? Have you ever felt ashamed of telling someone all of the meds you have to take? How did/do you deal with this?
I know it may seem trivial in light of all of the other things that we deal with, but it has been really bugging me. I appreciate all of you reading this... Sorry it is so long... and please forgive any errors - It's 3:30 in the morning and I am trying to stay awake to post this, lol!
Peace, Love, and Blessings,
Stacey
Friday, March 20, 2009
Urgent Prayer Request for Dad
Two times in the hospital in less than 4 weeks... poor Dad. He is tired and frustrated, I know. Your continued prayers are much appreciated. He is what has been happening and is continuing to happen. I will update as we have more information. Thank you all for reading and praying.
*****************************************************
March 19, 2009:
Hi everyone.
I come to you hoping that you are all doing well.
I wanted to let you all know that we are once again requesting prayer for Dad. We took him to the Emergency Room yesterday (Wednesday). He woke with a huge bulge on his genitals/scrotum. It was very very painful and had come up over-night. Once at the ER, he was diagnosed with Epididymitis: http://mayoclinic.com/health/
Dad is on an antibiotic and pain medications. He was also told that the bulge would have to be lanced within 24 hours and how to go about getting that done either at the hospital or through his primary physician.
This morning (Thursday) Dad woke with the bulge having turned into a knot and bleeding. He also spent the night vomitting - both things that were mentioned as "If These Happen, Come Back Asap" when he left the ER. He is there now and I am waiting to hear from Mom about what will be happening next. He is in a Lot of pain and we are all, as expected, quite concerned.
Please remember Dad in your thoughts and prayers. I know he is frustrated, as it seems like simply one thing after another....
Thanks in advance.
***************************************************
Update: March 19, 2009, 10 p.m.:
Dad is being admitted. He will have to see a specialist. They have pushed 2 different antibiotics and now they are on a third one that will take about two hours to drip. They did a CT scan with contrast and after that is when they decided to admit him. The ER doc said that he can't say 100% until the specialist sees him, but that he is fairly sure that they will have to do surgery.
Anyone who wants the room number, email me back and I will let you know when Mom lets me know.
Please, please keep praying. Thanks, Again.
***************************************************
Update: March 20, 2009:
Well, there is no doubt now: Dad will have surgery tomorrow morning (Saturday) at 7:15 a.m. His doctor said that he is basically having "to open him up just to figure out what in the world is going on." He is sure that this is not a hernia, but a mere infection didn't sound right to him either. We honestly have no answers right now.
Dad is in a world of pain. They have him on a morphine drip and that isn't even keeping him comfortable. He isn't able to eat because he can't hold anything down. Now that surgery is scheduled, he isn't allowed to eat for 48 hours. (Poor Daddy... I know that can't be goin well.) Mom says that he is sleeping a lot and very foggy. The anti-biotics are being continued at high levels.
Mom is planning to spend the night there at the hospital tonight with him so that she can be there when they take him for surgery. We all wish that we could be there, but they won't allow us to be. Mom is getting special permission to stay. We have a friend coming in tonight from Colorado for my birthday weekend. (My b-day is Monday, 3-23.) Dad is really upset that he won't get to see Jeremy at all... But I know this group of people... we will find a way! :-)Of course, he is worried that he won't be home for my birthday either. I am reassuring him that it is OK; that his health is far more important and I will have many more birthdays!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
How Do We Say Goodbye To Our Babies??
First off, Good Morning and I love you all.
Second, Levi is Fine. He is perfect. He is a mess as always; spoiled as ever; smart, funny, and loving. He is perfectly fine-ok-wonderful-amazing-great.
I am sorry that the message that I bring to you today isn't funny and uplifting. It will not make you giggle and want to hit 'Forward' so that all of your friends can laugh with you.
I am a member of the website "CafeMom" where I spend a lot of time connecting to other Mommies that share things in common with me and my family, that are going through the same things that I might be experiencing at the moment. Some of the groups that I am part of: Christian Fibromyalgia Support; Mommies of Toddlers; Teething; Digging Deeper Bible Studies; Writer Mommies; Photo Crazed Mommies; Mommies Who Love Books; and many more...You get the point. (When your abilities are suddenly gone and you are stuck on the couch, you tend to need contact from the outside world!!)
Another of the groups that I joined last year was "Christian Support for Miscarriages and Loss of Children". I joined after my miscarriage and the ladies of this group were very instrumental in helping me cope with my pain, fears, and questions. Every member of the group has experienced loss and felt that aching loneliness that comes along with losing a baby. They all share their stories at some point... and it can be excruciating to read. You feel so incredibly inadequate to console each new Mommy, but you try... simply so she knows that she is not alone... not to blame... not being judged and punished.
The following story was posted by a Mommy on Friday. For whatever reason, this one pulled at my heart. I don't know if it is the way that she writes or the story or that pain and grief that she conveys through these words... paragraphs thrown together in an attempt to cope with the harsh realities of having to live again after loss.
Please pray for this Mommy. She needs strength right now and only God will be able to carry her through this. Please please pray! Remember the Mommies who are left here to continue on while their Angels move on to Heaven and into the Father's arms.... odds are you know at least one Mommy who has lost a baby... And you all know me.
Pray.
**Baby Gabriel was approximately one week younger than Levi.**
The last days of my life...*WARNING-heartbreaking*
- February 20, 2009 at 4:23 PM by
- 18 Comment(s)
- 215 Total Views
I write this a week and a day later. Reading further, if you choose, you'll understand why. Either way, I need to get this out. Supposedly, it's healthy. At this point, I don't know what else to do.
Friday, February 6th
Woke Gabriel up to take Nate to school. There is a stiff patch on his crib sheet and his hair is a little matted in places.. obviously my lil one has thrown up a bit in his sleep. We take a quick lil bath before dressing and taking Nate to school. Is lethargic all day, so we do lots of cuddling til mommy goes to work. (At this point, February 20th, i don't remember how many times he threw up each day)
Saturday
Gabe gets up and throws up again. Still no fever, no diarrhea. Keeping some foods down and still wetting diapers, having BMs. Whiny and wants mommy. Mommy's okay with this. We lay on the couch for a while and Nate and Daddy go upstairs to play. We get lonely and go upstairs to join. They leave us and go DOWNSTAIRS. Ugh! We take a nap on mommy's bed. Wake up and mommy's got to get ready to go to work.
Sunday
My baby boy is still getting sick. We're thinking its a stomach virus. Just waiting it out...
Monday
Morning went okay. Gabe not wanting breakfast. Threw up water after his afternoon nap! WTH?! Will try just one more day. Eats well in the afternoon and at night time. Keeps it all down. Still quite a bit lethargic.
Tuesday
Gabe has thrown up at least once a day, every day. Enough's enough. Calling Pediatrician to make an emergency appointment. 11:30? We'll be there. He's up from his nap, we head out. He throws up as we check in, but there's nothing, because he's had nothing by mouth since this morning's vomit session. Pediatrician checks him -ears, eyes, mouth, chesk.. all clear. She says stomach viruses of all sorts are going around - she assumes that's what this is. No diarrhea and fever don't mean anything; viruses don't always have those symptoms. I am skeptical. It's been 5 days and no one else picked this up, not even the brother he shares a room with?! No one else has been around him and had a virus.. what the heck kinda incubation time is that?! Okay, you're the doctor...Ask her about a possible partial obstruction. Sends us downstairs for a wet chest XRay and pelvic XRay. Will call later with results. Takes Gabe's eight and discusses possibly putting him on lo-dose Zantac to reduce acid irritation in stomach. Will see after test results. Calls during dinner, ~1730. XRays aren't picking anything up. Will check in tomorrow to see if he's okay.
Wednesday
Woke up energetic and playing with toys a bit before breakfast. Am hopeful. Today he threw up a single bite of a dry waffle and a little yogurt. (Was trying to keep him away from dairy, but at this point, I just want him to keep something down in the AM!!) He is so whiny now! It's breaking my heart. Updated the pediatrician when she called. She said we will try to give him one more day. Husband texts at night to say that Gabriel's been really busy emptying his toybox aka playing with everything! but threw up some of his before-bed cereal and had congestion, which is a new symptom. Great! One more thing for my lil punkin to contend with. Get home and give my boys good night kisses. Gabe sounds really stuffy. Make sure the humidifier is filled, as always. Poor baby.
Thursday, February 12th
Gabe is still sleeping when I go to wake up Nate. Breakfast is done, it's 730 and I want to get Gabe up so Nate can get ready for school.
Now this is where it gets so hard. My baby died. And I didn't even know it. I sat downstairs and watched my older boy eat while my sweet innocent little Angel was lying in his crib alone, meeting God. I went to wake him and he was cold. Not a total shock since he kicks his covers off all the time. But when he didn't respond to my voice or my light shake, I knew. I freaked. I called 911. I performed CPR. I witnessed the most horrible sights that I don't even want to share because my heart is breaking as it is. But I already knew it was too late.
I can't even go through the whole story even now. My baby is gone, and they STILL can't tell me why. "[They] thought it would be an open & shut case." They took blood and tissue samples, they autopsied. They have no clue and say that it feels like it will probably be months before they might even have a clue. MONTHS!
They say I shouldn't blame myself. How can I not?? I HEARD he was congested. I checked on him til I went to bed at midnight. I SHOULD have stayed awake. I SHOULD have woken him up to clear his nose again. I SHOULD have taken him to the hospital since I just didn't feel that it was a stomach virus. A Good Mother would have. But I didnt. I slept while my baby - my best friend, truly, since we were together so much and did virtually everything together - passed away. How do you not blame yourself? How do you just accept that "It's God's will" and "It was meant to be"?!?!?!
My house is so lonely. There are no baby giggles. No chubby-armed hugs. No wet little kisses. No requests to be picked up. No baby gibberish in the middle of the night or at nap times. No thumb-sucking. I'm still so hurt, so lost and lonely, so bewildered.
They say I should talk to someone. Why?! That won't change anything. It won't make me feel better. I've taked to family. Talked to our priest. Talked to the damn funeral director!!! They've given me a tape for The Caring Place. Given me numbers to call and more food than my fridge could hold. I still hug my older son, make time for him, try to keep Gabe from becoming a taboo subject, but inside I am so dead. I told hubby that, God forgive me, but if it weren't for the fact that it was already here, I would never want to have another child. It's not fair but I know I will compare. And Gabriel is just irreplacable. He was sucha beautiful and literally perfect child. Never cried unless he was hungry or tired.. or for a split second if you yelled or he fell and got hurt. But then you just opened your arms to him and he turned his back to you, threw himself against you, stuck his left thumb in his mouth and life was okay again.
He's gone, and they can't tell me why. And maybe never will be able to. How do I live with that?
How do I live with myself? How do i trust myself to raise another child?? I check on Nate a hundred times a night. I talk to Gabe first thing in the day, last thing in the day and all throughout. I returned to work today (hence internet access) because I can't STAND the silence and being alone at home. We had a schedule that is so deeply ingrained that the breaking of it, and the endless silence, is oppressive. Even when we went out, there are certain things that were just .... static.
I am terrified that I will forget habits or subtleties of his behavior, so I went and bought a journal to write it down. His penchant for raising his arms, arms up and shoulders hunched, to ask to be picked up. His race up the steps to take a bath. His superman dives in the tub while we play peekaboo with the curtain. His clapping and looking around as if to ask, "Why aren't you clapping, too?" when the Jeopardy! audience claps.
I have so much to say and I just don't feel like I can get it all out. I am so desolate. Nate is handling everything so well and I make damn sure that we spend lots of time together daily. We give lots of kisses and hugs. Say I Love You all the time. (nothing new, but it's extra special now.) Most days, he will tell you that he had a little brother but he is with God in heaven. I reinforce this, but there are days where it is just so damn hard for me to swallow. How could God take someone so little, so young, so innocent?! Then I tennis ball back to, How could he NOT want someone so sunny and beautiful and special and wonderful?!
The priest said the truest thing - You won't fear death now. You know what is waiting for you on the other side. And then, Monday, the 16th, my OB said the next most true thing - you're kinda numb right now. In a week, a month, three months.. you're gonna hurt like hell.
And so I try my best to keep my faith strong. I'll never see him again if I don't. Supposedly. So hard to find something to believe in. I see-saw every moment. And I eat because my OB says I have to and I know he's right. But God! I don't even want to BREATHE, much less eat. And it isn't that I don't love my older son, I ADORE him too. But I was a better mother to Gabriel BECAUSE of Nathaniel. And I spent more personal time with him. And more recent. ...
I'm losing my point. I'm still rambling. I just needed to get this out. I don't know what to do. Am just hurting so bad. Please pray. I need it so much. I just odn't know what to do anymore...
